21:58: That's it for show one folks. Did you enjoy it? Was it the right result? Vent you anger and passion in the usual places. The Facebook box at the bottom of the page or rant away on Twitter @dsrealitybites. See you back here same time tomorrow for more fun and games.
21:56: Simon Cowell milks it for all it's worth. Then he surprisingly backs Piano Man Paul. It's down to the public vote and you lot have gone for PAUL. A shame for Joe and his BMX. I thought he would edge it, but then, what do I know?
21:54: You'll all be glad to hear that my testicles are safe and I didn't lose my bet. Ronan is the winner of the heat. Joe and Paul are the runners-up. Hoff and McIntyre back the bike man. Amanda backs piano man.
21:50: Stuart Arnold, Girls Roc, Donelda, Ted & Grace... you're going home and will be forgotten forever.
21:49: Rightio, put down your Curly Wurlys. It's results time. *dramatic music/serious faces*.
21:43: Don't mean to get all serious, but Spelbound are breathtaking. Above and beyond everything on this year's show. Almost embarrassing the gap in talent. I wonder what the rest of last year's finalists are doing now? Anyone seen Janey Cutler recently?
21:38: Ant & Dec do the all important phone numbers and legal mumbo jumbo. Remember calls cost money, etc. While we wait for the results, it's special guest time. Spelbound - last year's champs - are this evening's entertainment. Hopefully they won't show up the lack of talent on tonight's show.
21:32: A great chance for some BGT bingo as Ant & Dec chat with the judging panel. Cowell makes a cheeky comment about young girls - down a pint. Ant & Dec/Amanda Holden claim it was a "great opening semi-final", polish off a brandy. When someone ponders "would the Queen like it at the Royal Variety?" you might as well finish off the rest of the drinks cabinet.
21:30: Was Corrie any good? I was busy eating a Curly Wurly in the kitchen and missed it. Anyway - RECAPS AND MONTAGES ALERT - it's the results show.
20:56: That's it... for now. Time for a Coronation Street interval. We'll see you back here at 9.30pm, when wee Ronan will win and bike guy or piano guy will get the judges' pick. I'd bet one of my testicles on that result. If that isn't temptation enough to come back later, I don't know what is.
20:52: Simon Cowell's seals Ronan's spot in the final with his stamp of approval. Cowell, who appears to be in X Factor mode ("It's all about the song choice"), tells the whippersnapper that Adele, if she's watching, would be proud. Sorry Simon, we've heard that Adele is a big Gadget Show fan and is currently glued to Channel 5.
20:49: Ronan sings some Adele. He pretty much nails it other than a dodgy finale for the big note. He does cute very, very well. He's only 12. The judges go gooey for him. Best get working on that song for the final lad.
20:34: Lots of talk in the Twittersphere tonight about Simon Cowell "having a black eye". Has Cheryl Cole punched him? Has he had some cosmetic work in the US? We'll leave it up for you guys to make up some more ridiculous conspiracy theories. For legal reasons, we must state that it's probably just dodgy lighting.
20:30: We're not quite sure what's more humiliating. The judges telling Grace that she should shut up more because she's not as good as a 92-year-old deaf bloke. Or the judges poking Ted with a stick and giggling about the fact that he's lost his hearing. Tomorrow night, Amanda Holden visits an old people's home and hides their walking sticks. Time for an ad break.
20:22: Simon Cowell tells the sisters that they should be in a movie. The other judges - as they have been all evening - are splendidly pleasant and call them wonderful. McIntyre is being particularly gushing this evening. The girls leave with smiles. They won't be making the final. We'll confidently state that now.
21:18: Next act of the night is Bruce Sistaz. Yes, with a Z. They're two sisters who do karate kicks and chops and poses etc etc. If there wasn't a break every five minutes already, we'd use this moment to go for a loo break. Sorry, this isn't my cup of tea. Anyone seen Karate Kid: The Musical on Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights? We're saying nothing.
21:15: Simon Cowell tells Paul he should be in the final. The other judges love him because he's a "nice guy". To be honest, we'd rather eat a box of sand than listen to a whole gig/CD of his soppy piano covers. Cowell suggests he uses a song with "wow factor" in the final. Any suggestions? We reckon 'Enter Sandman' by Metallica or 'Girls, Girls, Girls' by Motley Crue. We're deadly serious. Time for another ad break. Yes, another one.
20:12: Whatever you think of Paul Gbegbaje, you have to admit he'd be great on The X Factor. Peter Dickson would have a field day with that surname. GB-EG-BAJE
19:58: Back from the second ad break of the night. You'll be sick of them by the end of the week. The next act is "the comedy awful act of the night" Stuart Arnold. He goes around dressed up as Arnold Schwarzenegger. It's awful.
19:53: Are we the only people who find Donelda and her dogs a little creepy. I reckon she rubs herself down in Pedigree Chum before performing and that's why the dogs keep mounting her. She wheels out some dog conga and dog tap dancing and various other delights that have the judges dishing out platitudes.
19:43: What's great about The Hoff is that he's never afraid to go for the cheap pun. He tells the girls that they "sizzled". McIntyre makes a joke about the dangers of fire and hairspray that nobody laughs at. Amanda Holden tells the girls that they'll get the dad vote. That means that they'll be getting no votes. Simon Cowell, who is playing the role of a sex-mad lothario this evening, tells them that he wants a private performance. The girls screech and scream like banshees as if they've just won the whole series. Who's going to break it to them that they're going home later?
19:38: In Ant & Dec's chat with Simon Cowell, he manages to dismiss the Cheryl Cole furore, make a masturbation gag and joke about Amanda Holden's boobs in just two minutes. Welcome back Uncle Si.
19:32: Ant & Dec welcome on the judges. Of course, at first it is just The Hoff, Holden and McIntyre. Hoff looks as cool as a cucumber. A good dose of Fake Bake and a healthy number of undone buttons on the shirt. Talking of shirts undone to the navel, here comes Mr Understatement himself - Simon Cowell. He comes on to the Superman theme. Of course he does. Sadly, he just joins the other judges rather than sitting on his own throne.
19:30: Ant & Dec do their best Peter Dickson impression and announce the acts taking part in the first semi-final. We should probably make a joke about Geordie accents right now, but we're fairly sure you are doing them yourself.
19:28: Get your gin/whiskey/beverage ready. Make yourself comfy on the sofa. There's two hours of Britain's Got Talent tonight, so brace yourselves. We'll be here to hold your hand all night.
> Britain's Got Talent semi-final 1: The lineup
> BGT acts scared by 'President Simon Cowell'
> Stephen Mulhern to quiz Cowell on More Talent
> BGT Top 40 In Full